Regardless of our race, creed, or religious background, as women, when our man wakes up one morning and proclaims, "Hmmm...I don't think I want to be in this marriage (relationship) anymore." Our first response is always the same, "That Mutha F*ucka!!!!!!!" If we are lucky, the man is just this straightforward and doesn't take you through all the games. However, men tend to make this proclamation in a number of roundabout ways that lead you down paths that takes years to come back from. The end result is the same, I don't want to be with you.
As a HUMAN BEING, you can't help but take this personally, after all this has been your life for however long you've been committed to it; for me it was 8 years. So for 8 years I was committed to loving, supporting, encouraging, and nurturing this man, at times to the detriment of my own goals and aspirations. And for that, what was I left with? Astronomical bills, a mortgage I can't pay, and a beautiful daughter who is my reason for waking up even on days when I don't feel like it. Ok so I deal with it for my baby girl, but when I think of all that I have dealt with over the last three years it makes me want to SCREAM!
I know that many of you feel the same way I do. We say things like, "I gave him the best years of my life!" or "Where would he be without me?" These statements might very well be true so take a second and vent. Call that son-of-a-bitch all the bad names you can think of and when you've exhausted that list try making some up. My favorites are: That Duck F*cka! or that sh*t headed walrus. Juvenile, I know, but it feels sooooo good. And when you are done, take a look in the mirror and realize that you made a choice. Actually not just one choice but a series of choices. In every relationship whether personal or professional, we make and are constantly making decisions. As women we choose to give up our careers to move with our man or to stay at home with the children. We choose to be with men who need fixing; we pay their bills, we help them find employment. We choose to diminish ourselves, our intelligence, our light so that our man can feel more secure.
At the end of the day, you have the cards you were dealt. How can you make the most of your situation? I wake up at night sometimes in a cold sweat, tears streaming down my face and all I want to do is curse that Mutha F*ucka! However, I am making the choice to move on and recognize my magnificence. I need to pick up the pieces of me and remember who I was and who I can be. Starting today...starting NOW! That is what this blog is about...join me on this journey.
Im not a woman, but the writing on this blog is gripping and captivating. Bravo for getting your frustrations out and taking a stand. I can't wait for the next one. I'm subscribing to this one.
ReplyDeleteI left my husband 4 months after buying our first home, and he's done everything in his power to break me down. His hate streams so deeply for me he becomes the intermittent dad, or the "father" who educates his daughter to the "fact" that her mother was a stripper. And just for good measure, defines the word because she's only 7!
ReplyDeleteAs I cried in my attorney's office 6 years ago, he told me to suck it up because I was the one who chose him. He said I should pray for my child and myself and trust that God will come through. Life's most definately about choices, and because of my daughter I can't say I made the wrong choice. I will say that my choice of husband & father has opened my eyes to what I want in the future
Having spent 7 years dealing with someone who wasn't honest and forthright, many days I awoke feeling unhappy and ashamed of my dealing with him. He didn't take the best years of my life, I handed it to him. Your blog is on point and I can totally relate.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nile for recommending . . . and yes . . I agree Kali . .
ReplyDeleteI am coming off a bullshit experience,not marriage, but messing with a dude who needed serious fixing. that has yielded the best thing that will ever happen to me: MY SON.
It was and is a serious identity crisis for me . . .I spent my entire life NOT allowing this to happen . . and in a twinkling of an eye, it has all changed.
I still go through all the questions . .. How in the hell did this happen? How could he walk away like that? why me? the whole sha-bang . . but today and the next few days . . F*ck him.
I am making my way back . . slowly . . but doing it.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Thnx NILE my favorite writer....I on the other hand just ask my hubby for a divorce after 24 yrs...and not because of infidelty, or money problems, none of that but it was his lack of not taking care of himself,, no dr.s he was allergic to them and this caused him to lose his leg and now lose ME. Don't get me wrong I was there for him through the illness, but I realized that Illness period was all about him... for like five yrs it slowed down everything in our marriage!! Just this past april a yr after his major surgery.. I was like "oops Im not in LOVE and where did the PASSION go??
ReplyDelete?"...I got nuthin for 5 yrs...so to that MUHPHUKKA..for letting himself get soooo sick ...I THINK IMMA BE GOOD!!!!
yes, I feel like you were talking about me (except for the kid part) this was inspirational to me as Istruggle and have struggled to repair my credit, pay the debt and the pain of unexpectantly having to relocate because I chose to marry that fool! I was mad that I "wasted" my prime years with him and had to go thru a divorce, but I am blessed to live thru it and "make the best" each year that passes since I left.
ReplyDeleteI must say that I can relate to this blog. I already have a little boy (now 10) from a previous relationship and I left his father back in CT for many reasons. I ended up coming to California where I met my youngests sons' father over 3 years ago. Not only did I open my home and invited him in. I gave him a place to stay, a bed to lay in until he got on his feet. I was there for him when he needed me and even had him around my family. We were good and I thought everything was great between us. I was blinded by my emotion, I ended up getting pregnant, everything went down hill from there. I did not intend on getting pregnant since I was not ready to have another child yet. This man broke my heart and left me when I needed him most. I must say that I felt really stupid. I ignored that little voice that told me to "walk away" when I first met him but but I stayed anyways. It is true that we as woman do what we can for our men and yet we are the one's left holding the bag. It hurt like hell when he "up and left" about a year after his son was born. I hated him for so long but came to terms with myself and faced my fears and my emotions head on. I stopped acting like it didn't hurt and ebraced it. I forgave him and now a year later (today) I am happy and joyful. I have not one but two beautiful boys in my life. I am a single mother and I enjoy the life I have. I will say that what didn't kill me did make me a stronger woman and I am geting to know me again. I fell in love with me and in order for me to be with someone and have them know me, I need to know myself and know what I want and don't want. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI too was married to a M*****F****R! Together for nearly 12 years! I knew better...even went against my own pre-set relationship rules, but I justified his major faults because I was truly infactuated! I'm a beautiful, intelligent, educated woman WITH commonsense! But of course he was handsome,charming, wonderful personality with a physique to match....now that was just the pretty wrapping! The contents inside...not so much!
ReplyDeleteNow after dealing with baby mama drama, ungrateful stepchildren, a man with bad credit, & a sparse bank account, I now kick myself. Many women (myself included) think we can fix a man by "helping" him out. I was just enabling him. Even after all of my "help" he still wasn't satisfied so he chose to have other women. That was it for me and I threw his ass out!
I now have peace! I don't have to deal with him (except when he sees our 2 children). We are cordial but I have moved on. I once again realized my self-worth and what I am willing to allow in my future relationships. It was hard to move on at first, but now I'm over the hump and I'm loving it!
As a man, I found your site interesting. I would recommend going to church and finding a man who loves the Lord.
ReplyDeleteThe fact is that if a man is able to love God more than Himself, then he has already proven that he will love you more than himself.
ZDENNY.com
On top of that, all the studies show that spiritual woman are much more into being physical with their husbands and non-spiritual women.
I am sorry you went through so much pain but in the future, make you a man passes the "LOVE GOD" test first so that your sacrifices result in love returned to you!
AMEN TO ALL! I had my own little pity party for a while after I left my cheating husband 4 years ago. Then I realized that I had ignored all the red flags and so all the drama and foolishness I was dealing with was a result of my own bad choices. I made a decision not to be the angry, bitter woman I had become and I'm now enjoying life with my two beautiful sons.
ReplyDeletePeople ask me if I think I'll ever marry again. I tell them, "I KNOW I will. I just chose wrong the first time. Now I know what love really is and more importantly, what it isn't."
Kudos to you for having such a realistic and positive attitude. You will be just fine...but I suspect you already know that.
You GO girl - who knew? I'm glad to see this finally in print! We must have another powow! WOW!
ReplyDeleteI still can't get the MF I used to call husband to just act right for kids. I left and he is making me pay for it every day. Trying real hard not to put that kind of energy on it though. Thanks for starting this blog, I am glad sistahs and brothers have a place to be heard. Cuz I get sick of hearing my own voice all the time on this one.
ReplyDeleteI'm in tears as I type this because I went through the exact same thing. I wasn't one of the lucky ones where the man is just straight up. He took me through about 3 years of bullshit just to finally push me off the edge. Like you said " I need to pick up the pieces of me and remember who I was and who I can be. Starting today...starting NOW!" Very powerful statement. Thanks for sharing Kali. And thank you Nile for recommending. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWow..love this! This is so true. I was married to a man for 6 years and had two boys. After we became seperated, I did not think he would abandon the boys, but low and behold he did. That in itself has made me stronger! I have no choice but to get up and take care of my boys. For some reason, he meaning my ex husband, seems to have choices, which I beg to differ. We(myself and the boys) are stronger, tighter and closer! Of course, if I had not gone through what I went through, I would not be as strong as I am today. Thank you for your blog!
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