Creating and Celebrating Milestones

"A milestone passed, new things begun, dreams as shining as the sun, a goal achieved, a victory won!" -Author Unknown


Very recently I had a MILESTONE birthday and wanted a parade. You know the kind with the floats, flowers, marching bands...I wanted the works. So I planned my party and did it BIG!!!! It was wonderful. I had the most fun that I experienced in years. Afterword, I sat alone with my journal and began to reflect on the journey of reaching a milestone and getting older. 

I noted that many of my friends had begun to approach the subject of reaching this particular age. We'd go out for drinks and talk about how when we were teens we thought people our age were old...but now that we're here we see that there is so much more left to do. We also began to talk about how we imagined our lives to be by this milestone and that none of us are living the lives we imagined. In some ways the reality of our current lives aren't the ideal we envisioned, but each and everyone of us clearly felt that we in many ways have SURPASSED the boundaries and limits that our young imaginations set. We are living life outside that box and that is at once exciting and scary. 

Our conversation caused me to ponder the purpose of MILESTONES in our life. Why is turning 21, 30, 40, having graduations, awards, or any other life maker different from another day?  What is the significance?  

I have learned 3 important things about MILESTONES:

• Milestones are significant because we give them significance.  This is THE most important element of a MILESTONE. It is the idea that all other elements of a milestone is built on. We make meaning behind anything we do in life. Therefore, milestones can be different for different people. Moreover, they can be CREATED.

•  Milestones compel you to be introspective. Creating and celebrating milestones help you get out of the box we call life and force you to re-envision your future. What do I want to do and who do I want to be... at this particular point in my life? 

• Milestones are motivating. We go out and get in shape, color our hair...we get a lot done in a short amount of time in order to meet the expectations we set for ourselves around our milestones. 

Looking at these elements you can see an action plan for CREATING and CELEBRATING MILESTONES. Why do we have to wait for events that other people deem IMPORTANT. The Dating Rotation is about more than dating, it is about taking control of your life and living it to the fullest. We all get into ruts and I know 2 years ago I was in a major rut. Preparing for my Milestone gave me the motivation to stop feeling sorry for myself and get out of that negative frame of mind.


The year before my birthday, I looked at my life and realized there were some things that I wanted to do and gave myself a timeline.  My goal was to accomplish one thing important for myself personally and one thing concrete for my career. These were the places I felt stuck. I made a plan and put it into action. Before my birthday I traveled outside of the country by myself and created an innovative program at work. What I learned from this was that it wasn't turning a particular age that made hitting that birthday milestone so great, it was the meaning I gave it, by creating goals for myself. By doing this, I became more motivated and engaged in my life and my work. 

JOURNAL:
Even if you aren't celebrating a milestone birthday this year, so what? CREATE one for yourself. Preparing for a half-marathon, traveling across the country in a car, developing your own side business, what ever it is...make one up. Follow the steps above, make and action plan, and then celebrate your accomplishments. 

Continue to make MILESTONES in your life and CELEBRATE them. We need markers on the road of life to see how far we've come and to get excited about where we have yet to explore.

PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS. READING THEM ARE MY MARKERS!

Good News and Bad News

Last month I picked my kid up from her week vacation with her father. I was so excited to see her and wanted to hear all about her adventures. She got in the car and buckled up. I turned around, started the engine and began to head toward home. As I drove, she told me about all the fun activities that she and her Dad did over the week. I then noticed that she became uncomfortable when talking about certain activities and she began to think carefully about her choice of words. I asked what was wrong. I looked in the rear view mirror at her beautiful little face which was riddled with confusion. She looked up and said, "Well Momma, I've got GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS. The GOOD NEWS is I think Daddy still loves you. The BAD NEWS is... HE LOVES CHELSEA TOO!"

She held her bottom lip tight and waited for my response. When I said nothing, she added, "I hope that doesn't make you sad!" Of course that moment was not the time for me to soul search and see how I really felt about the "BAD NEWS", so I sucked it up and smiled. I told her that her news DID NOT make me sad and that if she liked Chelsea then that was ok with me. A wave of relief washed over her face. She then offered that Chelsea was nice and that she did like her. I could tell that it was REALLY important to her that I was ok with that.

That night after she went to bed I pulled out my journal, took my pen, and set the pages on fire. Read my first blog, That M*tha F*cka if you don't know what I mean. The realization that he was in a relationship with someone, was one thing; the fact that he didn't tell me and my daughter did was another. There are many words I can think of to describe that behavior. Cowardly, Punk-Like, BitchAssedly, and so on. However, in the end, I was familiar with this road and I didn't like the destination the first time so why go down there again? Although therapuetic, ultimately this was not productive. I don't want to be one of those women that contrive issues and situations to hurt their ex and his current relationship. This is where the BABY MOMMA DRAMA starts to infect you and forces you to act irrationally! The only person I would really be hurting is my kid. If I'm ok then my kid will be ok. I need to make sure that I am really ok and remain that way. The truth is, even if my ex wanted to reconcile I know it would not be the best solution. We are much better apart than we were together. So the issue becomes--How do I get over this hump? What can I do to release this anger, frustration, and disappointment once and for all?

The answer for me: Get back on the Rotation and stick to the process. Since I started this journey, I have become MORE than I ever was before. I am STRONGER, SMARTER, HAPPIER, LIGHTER than I once was. I love the person I am becoming and I refuse to allow ANYONE to derail my JOY!

Ladies and Gentlemen, stick with it. You will encounter bumps in the road, sometimes the weather seems unbearable, but you have a plan for you life. As you have read each blog you have come to know yourself in new and exciting ways. STAY on that COURSE. In the end you have NOTHING to LOSE and YOURSELF to GAIN and that's the GOOD NEWS!

Journal:
Write two things that cause you the MOST pain right now. Is it something emotional or physical?

• If it is emotional either create a mantra or go to a book store for a book of inspirationals sayings and choose one. Write it on a post it and stick on your bathroom mirror. Say it every morning and night. Say it when that feeling of fread comes over your body. Then before you go to bed write about the shifts in your thinking that have come as a result. Words are a powerful tool--USE THEM!

• If the pain is physical either an incident, situation, or in your body such as stress, fatigue, or chronic illness; then create a plan to attack it. If if is a situation address how you will handle it. It is is in your body locate the cause and develop a dietary or workout regimen that will provide you relief. Develop a routine of health for your life.

Leave a comment, it motivates me to write more!

Peace and Blessings!

Diamond or Coal: The Choice is Yours!

 

For those of you who have been with me on this journey from the beginning, you know that the Rotation Theory is not some sort of gimmick to trick people into loving you. You know that it is a lot of reflection, work, and self-development. In my opinion books on "How to Catch a Man 101" appeal to those people who desperately want to be in a relationship, but don't want to examine their own behavior and choices. The error in those books is that the author gives you concepts that are really common sense like, "Don't Sleep with a Man Until You know He wants a Commitment," or "Allow a Man to be a Man, Let Him Pay for Dinner." Women go out, buy these books, and act like they've never heard this advise before in their lives (forget that your Momma was the first one to tell ya, "Keep your dress tail down and your panties up!"). You begin to use these techniques and "Voila!" you've got a man, but then what happens? "Poof!" He disappears. Anyone can use gimmicks to attract someone temporarily. The real question is... How do you keep him? 

Why is is that the men (and women for the guys) that you date, seem so wonderful at the beginning? Attentive, charming, and thoughtful! Then slowly over the course of the relationship it begins to go down hill. Then he gets with the next babe and you hear that he treats her like a queen. WHAT HAPPENED? Sometimes it is because he is not the person for you. However, it has been my experience that MOST times it is because we train our men to be mediocre.We allow and even force mediocrity on our guys. As women, we need to own, realize, and utilize our power. We are the foundation of the family and the mothers of the universe. During the course of our relationships, we begin to use our powers to shape our men. Some women do it consciously ("Girl, you know I had to TRAIN him!"). Relationships put a lot of pressure and stress on men. Chances are, if he has decided to make a commitment to you, then he is concerned about "doing this right". So the pressure is intense. You have the power available to you to make him a diamond or a lump of coal. How? 

1) You and your man are out and he makes a suggestion to go to your favorite Chinese food restaurant. You tell him NO, you're not in the mood for Chinese. He then says OK, What about this steakhouse? You respond that you don't want that either. He sighs and decides to stop trying.

2) Your man surprises you with a new Timex watch. You respond, "That's cool, but I was hoping to get a Movado." He won't make that mistake again!

3) You ask your guy to clean the kitchen while the NBA Playoffs are on TV, he agrees and says right after the game. You get frustrated and clean it up yourself. He makes a mental note.

Does any of this sound familiar? How we manage our partners is built around our egos and expectations. The truth is...Superman would have a hard time meeting the standards set in our minds. We have these mental fantasies shaped by the fairytales we clung to as kids. In reality, relationships are HARD WORK! And if you REALLY want a GOOD MAN, then start by allowing him to be himself. Let him demonstrate his love for you the best way he knows how. Encourage, support, and accept that love. When you nurture this behavior in him, he'll want to do it more. 

In your journal:

1) Can you recall and write about 3 instances where a person you were dating was obviously trying to win your affection and you knocked him down?

2) Examine yourself, your actions, and your desires. Ask yourself: Am I ready to accept this man as he is without feeling the need to change or train him to be someone he is not? If your answer is NO then move on to the next one in THE ROTATION. Don't grind him into dust, because someone who is a piece of COAL to you, might be someone else's DIAMOND. THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

GUYS IF YOU READ THIS AND YOU AGREE WITH WHAT I'M SAYING YOU NEED TO POST AN AMEN!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Touch Base!

                                          

Dear Friends,

We have been on this journey together now for 6 months. Sometimes the path is clear and the destination is within reach, while other times trees have fallen and blocked the path. Even so, we have gathered out strength and resources and forged new trails. I know that I for one am excited about my own process and transformation. Writing this blog has allowed me to capture my adventures and insights as I put my own plan into action. But the most exciting element of this work is the feedback I get from you, the readers. 

For the past 6 months you have read my stories and implemented the outlined exercises, now it's time to report your results. I want you to share your stories and insights. Leave a comment below or send an email to me at TheDatingRotation@gmail.com

I really want to hear what you have to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kalima

Spring Cleaning: It's Time to Purge!

A few weeks ago I ran into an old boyfriend...and his wife. I was at a coffee shop drinking my tea and working on a proposal when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I hadn't seen him in 10 years but he looked exactly the same. As I turned to say hello I caught the eye of his wife who was about a foot behind him. He turned and looked at me with a start...his eyes grew big like saucers. My heart started pounding, I felt a bead of sweat rise on my forehead. Quickly I collected myself and stuck out out my hand, "Hi, so and so this must be your beautiful wife, blah blah. So nice to see you both." They shook my hand and we chatted about how long it has been...yada, yada, yada! They found a table close to mine and sat. After a while the wife got up and went to the bathroom. He walked over to me. He gave me a big hug and said, "You look great! My cell is still the same give me a call later. I'd love to take you to lunch." He then walked to the counter and ordered their drinks and I packed my things and left.

When I got in my car and started the drive home I began to laugh. I don't know why I got so nervous, it wasn't like we were having an affair. In fact I hadn't seen him since he got married. It was so silly. Days passed and I had forgotten about it. After a particularly rough day at work, I came home feeling blue and dejected. I picked up my cell and started thumbing through the contacts until I came across His number, my ex from the coffee shop. After all these years I still had it. I started to dial the number and then caught myself. WHAT WAS I DOING? I broke up with that man for a reason and now I'm gonna call him for lunch because I need an ego boost 10 years later? Why do I still have his number?

I thought about it for a while and began to get angry. How did he know I still had his number? He just ASSUMED that I would keep it! What an ass?!! Slowly I came to the realization: I only had a problem with this situation, because HE was MARRIED. I began to realize that whenever I was in the dumps I would go to my Little Black Book (iPhone, Blackberry, etc.) and dial up some dude from long ago and get my ego boost on! And although those men were SINGLE, what I was doing to MYSELF was still WRONG!

You are feeling a little uncomfortable, maybe even defensive right now as you fix your mouth to ask the question: What's wrong with calling a former lover to stroke your ego? Oh, and this is my favorite excuse: Men do it ALL the TIME! Like all of a sudden the things that men do are RIGHT, when most of the time we talk about how what they do is WRONG! Let's explore this idea.

You want a new couch. This new couch is gorgeous, made from the finest materials and you've worked very hard to save up all the money needed to buy this beautiful piece of furniture outright. You put down your money and the couch will be delivered soon. You go back home so excited about what you've accomplished, but you soon get word that it will take 4 months before the couch is delivered. Now you lose your enthusiasm, instead of cleaning up your house and preparing for your treasure, you throw things around, forget to dust...finally you decide to go out to the dumpster and get that old comfortable couch you had before...just until the new couch comes. You put pillows on it and dress it nice, but you can't hide the reasons why you wanted the new couch. There's a spring that still pokes you in the back, the stuffing is coming out of one of the pillows. This old couch looks good, but it's not what you worked for...it's not what you DESERVE! Then one day, DING DONG...you look out the door and it's the delivery guys with your NEW couch. It came when you least excepted it. You fling the door open, happy to receive your gift. The guy looks in and sees the old couch. He says, "Oh Ma'am, we specifically put in your agreement that you needed to remove any old furniture so our guys can put the new furniture in. This is very expensive and heavy and we don't remove old furniture due to liability issues. We're very sorry ma'am but we'll have to refund your money and send this to the next person on the list who is ready to receive this magnificent piece of craftsmanship. YOU'RE JUST NOT READY!

When you keep a black book around to avail yourself to the list of men who fell short in the past, it is obvious that YOU'RE JUST NOT READY to move on...you're not ready to put yourself in the position to receive the attention and affection of a person who is actually worthy of all that you have to give. Remember! You've been working on yourself. You are not the same person you once were. So why go back to the same mess you pulled your self out of. In the end, if the space is BLOCKED either physically or energetically by someone else, your true soul mate or partner will not come. There is no room for him. So free yourself of the clutter. Do some spring cleaning...get rid of the junk and make room for the treasure you have worked so hard to earn. You need to be prepared for the time when you least expect it...

HOMEWORK: 
1. PURGE: Go through your phone book and delete the contacts of people who are tempting, but NOT for YOU!
2. CLEAN and ORGANIZE your living space, this is a sign of your mental state and well-being. A depressed person is more likely to have a disorganized, dark, and messy living space. Get it together!
3. Continue to WRITE about your journey in your journal!

PEACE AND BLESSINGS! LEAVE A COMMENT. I WANT TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!

All Men Are Dogs! or Is That Just Your TYPE?

A good friend of mine, pointed out that women have created a language or vernacular that is uniquely our own around the subject of men. When we speak this language the sisterhood understands and co-signs. For example, we have a tendency to call men DOGS. Regardless of race or culture, when a woman drops that term in conversation with her sisters you can look around the circle and the faces all have that unifying expression of  "Yes I feel you on that. I'm with you. That muther f*cka!" (LOL! Click and read my first post.)  That term reaches into the depths of your soul and taps into very strong and painful memories of how you were done wrong and you exclaim, "AMEN!" Men do the same thing when they call women BITCHES! But, in actuality that term is an expression of HATE, and as I stated in that same blog post, hate is a crutch. Crutches are good when you are too wounded to walk unassisted, however, when you have healed and have the CAPACITY to walk again--DROP that crutch and move FORWARD. Look inside your self and ask the question: Do I really feel that ALL MEN are DOGS?

If your answer is YES. That is a pretty good indicator that you still have some healing to do. You need to understand that you are expressing HATE. And while you believe that men are the deserving target of this acrimony, in the end by using this crutch to push men away you become the REAL object of your own hate.

I know what I am suggesting is too difficult for you to swallow. Right now you are screaming, "I DON'T HATE MYSELF!" But be open-minded and let's explore this idea. In what ways do we demonstrate self-hatred in our lives? Ask yourself: How often do you go out and exercise? Do you maintain a diet that consists of good and nutritious food? How often do you enjoy sunsets or take time out to do something that nourishes your spirit?  It is easy to get your hair done, buy cute clothes, and get your nails done. It is even EASIER for you to do nice things for OTHER PEOPLE. It is much harder for you to do things that express LOVE for your SELF. The main way we express self-hatred is by choosing mates that are not GOOD for us. We claim that this is just our TYPE.

We say things like: I am attracted to a man who is self-confident and has his own mind. He has to be social and funny. I don't want someone I can just run all over. But who we choose sounds more like this: I like a man who is domineering and oppressive. I like that he tells me how things are and if I don't like it I can go somewhere else. I like a man who is SO confident that he knows he can live off me and not work. I like men who know how to hide all the women they are seeing. I appreciate that he doesn't throw it up in my face. 


Why is it that we are NEVER attracted to the men that have the potential to be good to us? I have heard this so many times before, "Oh he is a good guy, he'll make someone else a good man, I'm just not attracted to him!" We confuse the pain of bad relationships with the pangs of love, over and over again. We begin to believe that if it doesn't hurt then it's not love, which is just false!Why are you giving away the good guys and setting up house with the losers? Men let you know who they are upfront by their words and actions. BELIEVE THEM! Don't think that you can change who they are in any way. Engaging in this behavior is a form of self-hate. you need to start loving yourself. LOVE YOURSELF so much that you could never place your heart in the hands of someone who doesn't deserve it.

You have the ability to control your choices, but you will not change if you continue to believe that you can't be attracted to someone other than your TYPE! In your journal do two things: First, make a list of the things you need to start doing to express LOVE for your SELF! Whether it is getting in shape, developing a mediation practice, or talking to someone about your problems or worries. HEAL YOURSELF FIRST! Second, make three columns and at the top of each one put the name of your last 3 serious relationships. List the things he did that were productive, then the things that were hurtful. Do you see patterns? Write three action statements that describe how you plan to CONSCIOUSLY change the elements that you are attracted to.

If this was insightful or helpful in any way, please LEAVE A COMMENT AND PASS ON TO A FRIEND! 

Blessings!

Just Don't Quit!

I went to hear Hill Harper give a talk in Los Angeles. He said a lot of interesting things that inspired later conversations with my friends. But there was one part that really rang true for me and my journey. He was describing a time when we was doing something that was difficult and he became so frustrated that he quit. He explained that he didn't quit in any obvious way. He didn't throw up his hands and storm off stage, but he stopped trying to engage and withdrew mentally from the situation. He gave up, HE QUIT, and in doing so, he squashed any opportunities that could have occurred if he had just presented a better, more engaging, attitude.

How many times on this road have we gotten frustrated or disappointed? Three times, twelve times, fifty times...enough times to continue going through the motions, but be detached from the outcome. I realize that I have been doing this in my dating life. Just a few weeks ago, I went out on a date with a gentleman, who for all intents and purposes, deserved my attention. After sitting at the table with me for about a half hour, he turned and said, "I can already tell that you are unhappy with what has been presented to you. You aren't attracted to me. You don't like my personality. Something is wrong, I can tell in your demeanor."

Later, I told my girlfriends about how rude this guy was on our date and how I hoped he never called me again. But sitting in that hall, listening to Hill's story I realized that I too, had QUIT! I was taken aback and embarrassed by the guy's HONESTY. The rude person was me who sat there, looking him over with critical eyes. Instead of imagining the fun I would and could have on my dates; I would show up, I would go through the motions and then I would leave. I have allowed myself to become fearful and frustrated by the process, rather than seeing each person as an opportunity. An opportunity for friendship, for networking, for fun...for love! 

How many times have you pushed away people who might otherwise provide you with some joy. It might only be in the form of that date, but by turning yourself off and quitting, you are also blocking your blessings. I later called the guy to apologize and he accepted. He also stated that he was glad that I called because he had a potential consulting opportunity for me. That means MONEY IN MY POCKET!

Don't Be A Fool and never allow anyone to take advantage of you. However, open yourself up to receive your blessings. Men ARE attracted to women who are LIGHT! Women who RADIATE confidence, love to LAUGH, and ENGAGE them in conversation. They are NOT attracted to women who SCRUTINIZE. Women who DIMINISH themselves, SCOWL at everything, and aren't INTERESTED in what they have to say.

This lesson has shed light on every aspect of my life. I also disengage at work when things aren't going my way. I stop calling certain family members when they do things that I find frustrating. Examine this aspect for yourself. 

Remember:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.
-Don't Quit (Author is Anonymous)

In your journal tonight, write about the times you have disconnected when things have gotten too challenging for you to handle. In those situations, what else could you have done? Is there anyway to repair the damage that your disregard has caused?

Over the next week, pay attention to your behavior. Count how many times you make negative remarks about someone. Count how many times you compliment someone. What are 5 things you do that help you pay better attention to people? Write those things down and use them on your next date.

LEAVE COMMENTS AND EXPERIENCES BELOW. I LOVE TO READ THEM. ALSO PASS THIS ALONG TO EVERYONE YOU THINK NEEDS TO READ IT!!!!